The Perfect Time to Buy a New SUV

by John Delach

Good God Almighty, if I listen to the President of the United States, the Governor of the state of New York, Comrade Mayor Bill DeBlasio or other prominent politicians, scientists from the CDC, WHO – all I hear is blah, blah, and blah. By their accounts, both Mary Ann and I will probably be infected, maybe die – as- collateral casualties in the war against COVID-19!

We are told the purpose of their broadcasts is to express caution to protect us. Alas, their daily doom messages spread fear and panic. Meanwhile, more draconian measures are introduced daily reducing our freedom of movement. Each day, restrictions and prohibitions increase.

On Friday the 13th, President Donald J Trump declared a National Emergency to combat the COVID-19 virus giving our government dictatorial powers to do whatever is necessary to combat this virus.

Quarantine, is only a question of time. Slowly, but surely, the USA is heading to an emergency of biblical proportions where all normal activities cease by government mandate.

Oops, then comes the bad news news: Of course, the compromised and elderly are at extreme risk. “They should hunker down in place, avoid all contact with all organisms in the known universe. They should spend their lives washing their hands, live in fear and be prepared to bend over as far as their old, tired, arthritic bodies will allow to kiss their asses goodbye.”

A silly thought: What if the virus is part of a vast military / industrial /business / international Western governmental conspiracy to thin the herd by eliminating the old leaches who are sucking the system dry by our pensions, social security and socialized free medicine? We are their targets because we refuse to leave the planet on our own.  What if they developed this virus to take us out? Think about how much they will save by our elimination!

And what about our fearless leaders? For example, here in the USA, three old white men out of touch and living in the past are our only choices to be our next fearless leader. The Donald, the current and controversial president, Bernie the Red and sleepy Joe. Seriously, if you don’t believe this cabal of three are working under cover and in unison, you are playing into their hands. (Just a thought.)

What to do? Faced with this enormous crisis at 76, my only escape was to buy a new SUV. I picked out the brand-new Hyundai Palisade because I could enter it without banging my head and it had lots of bells and whistles at a reasonable price.

I enjoyed the fact that the salesman was oblivious to the stock market meltdown and the COVID-19 panic. He made me an offer I couldn’t refuse so, what the hell, I took the plunge. I signed all the paperwork, put down a serious deposit on Wednesday, March 11 and took delivery that night.

Since then the world continues to implode. But what me worry? Hell no, I can stay in my new beauty of an SUV in quarantine until hell freezes over.

Since all of sports leagues and the colleges have voluntarily ceased for the foreseeable future, learning how to operate all these new systems will help me to survive our quarantine and I’ll have a complete understanding of my new vehicle ito escape Uncle’s wrath for telling the truth and spilling the beans.

Pick your poison; I picked mine. See you on the highway to freedom: Live Free or Die.