The Sky Is Falling

by John Delach

Here we go again. Err on the side of caution is becoming the general order of the day with interruptions, cancellations or restrictions multiplying geometrically and all because of the Corona virus or the COVID-19. American colleges and universities are banning travel and soon to come, cessation of attending classes replaced by virtual classrooms accessed on-line. Looks like University of Phoenix and like on-line colleges had it right after all.

In Italy all soccer games are being played for TV only, the stadiums being locked shut. Not just the one-percenter are abandoning commercial flights for private charters. So are the five, 10 and 20 percenters. If you got it, flaunt it.

Adios March Madness at least for fan participation, Pity the XFL. OMG, what about The Masters! And the ultimate casualty, the Tokyo Olympics. How do you say WTF in Japanese? Entertainment events like South by Southwest have been cancelled while passengers scramble to cancel overseas vacations and scheduled cruises. Chaos reigns supreme as the stock market vainly struggles to get it right opting instead for a daily rollercoaster ride to hell and back.    

Our fearless leaders demand that we don’t panic while they pour out news and statistics that broadcast doubt, anxiety and worry. Don’t panic, really? Instead, whistle a happy tune for twenty seconds while we wash our hands.

In the 70s we had gasoline crises. A good deal of the shortage was caused by hoarding. Today, folks are hoarding hand sanitizers, wipes, paper towels, nose and toilet tissues. One wag told us to use vodka but the folks at Tito’s reminded us that the minimum alcohol content should be 60% and their content is 40%. Even Smirnoff 100 is 10% short. Perhaps drinking it is the better alternative, especially Tito’s!

Meanwhile businesses announce plans to minimize employee contact with each other, customers and others. Bloomberg LLC intends to divide facilities to spread the risk. Others will push the exploding universe of working remotely. Our fake media broadcasts hysteria and panic. What a time for an infodemic, (an overabundance of information.)  A vicious tornado that tore into a suburb of Nashville didn’t have a chance to compete with the COVID-19 infodemic.

What’s a girl to do? Hoard antiseptic cleaner, toilet paper, soap and paper towels? Stock up on cereal, soup, Spam, fruit cocktail and peanut butter in expectation of an imposed fourteen-day quarantines that lurk around the corner?

Does Chicken Little’s battle cry: “The sky is falling,” have a familiar ring?” Or, has Homeland Security upped the terror threat to fire engine-red, albeit, a completely different terror threat – or, has NORAD issued a DEFCON Five alert? “The sky is falling; the sky is falling.”

Memo to file: Delach, get your ass to Total Wine, chop-chop to stock up on two weeks supply of Jameson’s, Johnny Walker Red and Kettle-One. Hell, make that a month’s supply!  And don’t forget mother’s hooch too. After all, THE SKY IS FALLING!

Truth be known, most humans, especially those of us who live in the free world, in my case, the USA, be us Trumpers, Bernie addicts Joementumers and everything in between are insecure and believe that we don’t deserve what we have. Instead we secretly believe we are under attack because we are blessed. Linda Ronstadt reminded us in “Back in the USA:”:

I’m so glad I’m living in the USA:

Yes, I’m so glad I’m living in the USA

Anything you want we got it right here in the USA   

Many of us suffer from the feeling too good blues. In our hearts, we believe we have it coming which is why we buy into Armageddon: Sooner or later something bad will happen: War, a natural disaster, a plague, a climate catastrophe, or attack from outer space are but a few examples.

If only we just relax and: Don’t worry, be happy. Valium or a stiff drink can help.

Once COVID-19 runs its course, and it will, we’ll go back to normal and leave the unpleasant memory behind. This too shall pass; that I can guarantee.

Certain changes will remain. The work-place and university structure will never be the same. Virtual and remote will be the legacy of the COVID-19.