John Delach

How we react to UIC, Unsolicited Incoming Calls, is mainly a function of our mood when we realize that, once again, we are a victim. More times than not, we just hang-up. If  our mood is ugly, we may curse the caller and then hang up. Sometimes we get into a verbal brawl with the caller. I have found these incidents disappointing and sometimes depressing. I try to avoid them and I usually succeed.

Rarely, but it does happen, I find myself to be at the top of my game when I become caught on the receiving end of an UIC. It is those rare times that my response blows the caller away.

 My best reaction to an UCI was with a woman who I guessed was a Millennium with a Southeastern Asian “sing-song” accent.

“Hello, my name is Kim. I’m alerting you so you know your computer has been infected.”

“Hi, Kim, you must be mistaken. Are you sure you called the right number?”

“Yes, of course, we have been monitoring your device and we have found an infection.”

“Kim, I don’t think so. Exactly what device are you talking about?”

“Your PC, you know, your computer.”

“No, no, no; you have the wrong person, I don’t own a computer.”

“That’s impossible, we have been monitoring your computer and it has been corrupted.?”

“Kim, please understand, I don’t have and I have never had a computer. I don’t believe in computers.

“I don’t understand, how do you communicate on the internet?”

“I use a rosary.”

“What?”

“A rosary. It’s simple, but very effective. You take it, hold it in your hands and move your hands along it to find what you are looking for.”

Thoroughly confused, Kim was resorting to grunts and groans that mirrored her defeat. So, I ended her misery by advising her: “Google the rosary. Buy one, they’re inexpensive and you will find them to be superior to PCs, but maybe not Apple”

Victorious, I hung-up.

I wish more of my encounters with UIC were that satisfying, but most of the time, anger, indifference or fatigue cause me to react like a jerk. I hate acting like a jerk!

My second UIC triumph happened just this summer. This UIC came on my cell phone while I was driving to my local drug store here in Port Washington. When I pressed: Answer, the caller automatically went right to my Blue Tooth speaker. The dude’s voice was without accent. I surmised he was an Anglo. He took off into his pitch without any prompt. My half-listening brain surmised that it was for time shares.

Without thinking, my personal light bulb illuminated inside my head giving me the premise for my counter attack. By now he had gone on for at least fifteen seconds without me saying a word: 

“Stop right there!” I commanded. “I haven’t heard a word you were saying. Look, man, I know you’re trying to make a sale, but I’m going through a difficult time in my life. I’ve decided to transition from being a man to a woman and do you really think I care about what you are trying to sell?

The caller went silent but I could tell he was still there. Knowing he was on the ropes, I went for the kill shot and continued: “Since I have you on the phone, let me ask you a question, what do you think of the name, Denise?

He hung up.

Game, set and match.

On The Outside Looking Jn will not publish next week and will return on September 7, 2022