Alcohol and the Granite State

by John Delach

Live Free or Die: New Hampshire’s motto


Alcohol: Lyrics by Brad Paisley


I can make anybody pretty

I can make you believe any lie

I can make you pick a fight

With somebody twice your size


The New Hampshire Liquor Commission operates more than 75 Liquor & Wine Outlets spread throughout the state with the majority located below Route 9 that crosses west to east from Keene to Portsmouth and passes through Concord. This puts these outlets within easy range for those thirsty folks from Massachusetts seeking relief from the Commonwealth’s relatively high tax on booze. NH is so accommodating that they built two northbound and two southbound outlets at rest stops on Interstates 93 and 95, both, a Sunday’s afternoon drive for Bay Staters.


Well I’ve been known to cause a few breakups

And I’ve been known to cause a few births

I can make you new friends

Or get you fired from work


NH publishes a monthly magazine called Celebrate NH that notes, “Great Selection. Great Prices. No Taxes.” Not enough incentive? The front cover implores the curious: “Price List Inside – Check Out Our TAX – Free Lowest Prices in New England.”


And since the day I left Milwaukee

Lynchburg, Bordeaux, France

Been making the bars

Lots of big money

And helping white people dance


Celebrate NH provides a complete list of their inventory. They sell cocktails and cordials, mixed drinks and specialties, rum, tequila, vodka, America whiskey, bourbon, corn, rye, Tennessee, Canadian, Irish, Scotch and single malt. Take Scotch; the NH Outlets offer over 150 different kinds. There are 14 different types of Johnny Walker Scotch available. Prefer Irish, but Bushmills, Jameson or Tallmore Dew bore you? How about Flaming Leprechaun, Clontarf, Connemara, Knappogue Castle, The Dubliner or, my favorite, Writer’s Tears.


I got you in trouble in high school

And college now that was a ball

You had some of the best times

You’ll never remember with me

Alcohol, alcohol


And party drinks…You can buy Jagermeister brand Mini Meisters that promise: “Ten shots-to-go for your krew.” Your choice Ole Smoky Moonshine or Fishers Island Lemonade in cans. How about Widow Jane said to be “New York’s signature spirit?” Perhaps Rum Haven made with real coconut water or Mexican Moonshine Tequila. Black Box brand wine in a box has expanded their line to include boxed Tequila, Whiskey or Vodka. But if you really want to get loose; try Tooters Party Packs, twenty shot creations in tubes in four flavors: “On the Beach, Apple Tini, Ala-bama Slama” and “Kami-kazi.”


I got blamed at your wedding reception

For your best man’s embarrassing speech

And also for those naked pictures at the beach

I’ve influenced kings and world leaders

I helped Hemmingway write like he did

And I’ll bet you a drink or two that I can make you

Put that lampshade on your head


And the day I left Milwaukee

Lynchburg Bordeaux, France

Been makin the bars

 With lots of big money

And helping white people dance


I got you in trouble in high school

And college now that was a blast

You had some of the best times

You’ll never remember


Alcohol, alcohol



Always drink in moderation and never drink and drive.