Oh Happy Day!

by John Delach

This past Election Day, I received an odd letter in a curious envelope having the appearance of containing junk mail. Preparing to discard it unopened, I hesitated as two distinctions caught my attention. First, it was addressed to an E. Delach and second, the printed postage symbol noted: “Postage paid GB: ROYAL MAIL: £1.00.”


Opened it I did, to find a letter addressed to E. Delach at my address from a certain Mr. A. P. This was curious as E. Delach hasn’t lived here for over 20 years, and changed her surname after marriage in 1997. Still, I pressed on. A.P. described himself as: Head Auditor, Barclays Capital Finance. His purpose was to present E. Delach with the news that a certain Mr. J.B. Delach had opened an account at his firm in 2002, but sadly passed in 2008. Poor, J.B. left no will and evidence of a family could not be established.


A.P. explained: “(Without an heir or will)… I decided to contact you to stand as next of kin since you share the same last name with him.”


A.P. did infer a possible personal profit motive in his proposed partnership explaining that if E. Delach either, “…set(s) up a new account or provide(s) an existing account that will serve the purpose of receiving this fund..,” he will compensate E. Delach with “…40% of the funds after the transaction.”


Forty percent of zero is still zero but A.P. boldly stated that the gross amount of the sum in question is GB£ 12,500,000. To reinforce his point he also spelled it out as Twelve Million Five Hundred Thousands British Pounds. Oh Happy Day!


A.P. explained: “This information I have on this account is confidential as no other person has access to it.”


He warned to urgently proceed with his plan otherwise the window of opportunity will vanish and this money will be converted to company funds for the benefit of the shareholders only. Greedy bastards!


Where is Bernie Sanders or the Weavers when I need them?


Oh the banks are made of marble,

with a guard at every door.

And the vaults are full of silver,

That the farmer never saw.


A.P. provided his private direct phone number, fax and email address. As I pondered, “What to do, what to do,” I continued to sort the mail. I set aside an appeal from The Bowery Mission seeking a Thanksgiving Day’s donation. In the stack were the latest issues of National Review and New York magazines and a gaggle of catalogues. Hold on; as I sorted the catalogues, I discovered trapped between two an identical envelope to the one addressed to E. Delach, but this one was addressed to John J. Delach.
Truly, a serendipitous moment especially as I discovered the contents was identical to E. Delach’s letter. Of course, cynics caution that the receipt of identical solicitations negates A.P.’s statement that the contents were confidential to E. Delach only. I prefer a more pragmatic road that both E. Delach and John J. Delach are each entitled to 40% maximizing our share to 80%. Oh Happy Day!


To be sure, caution will be my calling-card. I plan to wait to see if other household members, past and present also receive like solicitations. Mary Ann, (wife) Michael (son) as starting points but also, Woofie, Harry, Fred, Bubba, Maggie, Buster and Max. Since all of these canine companions except Max are deceased, they will fit very nicely with collecting J.B. Delach’s monetary legacy and wrecking ole A.P. once we exceed 100% of the share.


As for Max, I am certain if he receives his own letter and is included in my reverse scam that he will sell out for treats regardless of the amount I collect.


Oh Happy Day!