Bill Belichick Has Underinflated Balls

by John Delach

Special Monday Edition


Back in the day, Vince Lombardi supposedly once proclaimed as head coach of the Green Bay Packers: “All I want is my unfair advantage.” Not surprisingly, so does every other head coach in the NFL but it appears that Bill Belichick has taken this concept to a true art form. We may never know just how far Coach Belichick has been able to refine the practice of one-upmanship but it has earned him the honorary title of “Bill Belicheat.”


The coach is already the NFL equivalent of a convicted felon thanks to “spygate,” and it appears his quest to find his unfair advantage knows no bounds or limits. Spygate cost his team, the New England Patriots, and himself personally, a boatload of money and their number one draft choice. But rather than repent, it turns out that he is as unrepentant and as incorrigible as Richard M. Nixon. Like Millhouse, Bill just can’t let well enough alone. Nixon was on his way to kicking George McGovern’s ass in the 1972 presidential election, but he couldn’t resist letting his brain trust; Ehrlichman, Haldeman, Mitchell and their operatives, Colston, Hunt and Liddy unleash the Plumbers and raid the DNC headquarters in that DC complex known as Watergate.


Nixon was forced to resign, but Bill just keeps rolling along defiant and unapologetic. It seems what’s good for New England is good for the NFL and what’s good for the NFL is good for New England. Let’s examine his current “alleged” transgression.


Possibly, the coach wasn’t happy with his balls and those of his quarterback, Tom Brady. They were just too big for their liking so they conceived a plan to shrink then during the AFC Championship Game so they would be easier to grip. This is a no-no and the Indianapolis Colts, their opponent who they crushed on the playing field in Foxboro, complained to the league. When the story first broke, quarterback Brady commented on a Boston sports radio station, “Ha, ha, ha, I think I’ve heard it all at this point.”


To quote the late Mandy Rice Davis as to Brady using the defense of incredulity, “Well he would say that, wouldn’t he!”


Coach Belichick denied any knowledge about balls, underinflated or otherwise and smartly threw his quarterback under the bus, Paraphrasing the coach: Balls this and balls that, you’d better ask Brady how he likes his balls. Personally, I know nothing about any stinkin footballs. Wait, it was the cold, the rain the atmosphere that made it go soft, yeah, that’s it!


Brady was equally erudite: The essence of his Q and A was: I pick out de footballs; they put them in de bag and give them to me when I need them. That’s all I know.


So far the NFL it’s commissioner and the Patriots’ owner, Robert Kraft, aren’t talking, but I’ve got this feeling that ultimately this will be blamed on an anonymous and under-paid ball boy who (per a rumor I am starting) is on his way to Pyongyang on a slow-steaming Cypriot freighter. Bon voyage, ball boy.


How to punish the Patriots, Brady and Belichick as they prepare to face the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX but still allow the game to go on?


I asked fellow NFL fans their feedback and here are the results:


Tom from Waco: “The deflatriots will try to get an edge any way they can even if it means violating the rules and they deserve some kind of punishment.” How about crucifixion?

Mike from Bridgeport: “I am so sick of this crap out of Seattle referring to the fans as the ‘12s.”  Mike believes Brady & Co. should play with their smaller balls while the Seahawks use cement balls.

Vodka Bill from Mastic Beach concurs: “Tom and Bill can’t cheat enough. I am sick to death of Carroll and all that crying, kissing, hugging and praise the Lord stuff. Are there no men?”

Bob from The Bronx: “Make him hire Perry Fool as his defensive coordinator.” Bob’s not a big fan of the Giants former defensive coordinator.

Bill from Florham Park: “Balls this and balls that, enough is enough. Fire Belichick, suspend Brady for the 2015 season and let’s go J-E-T-S, jets, Jets, JETS!”

Bob from Wantagh: “Not cheating; cold weather conditions compress pressure.” Tom from Maplewood, “I concur.” Steve from Ridgewood, “Ditto.”

Dave from Hauppauge: “It’s not about whose balls are bigger, it’s how to beat the spread.”

Geoff from Brunswick: “The league should be in charge of all balls. Have a Balls’ Umpire.”

Marty from Piscataway: “Rumor has it that Brady first tried pine tar for a better grip but that lead to the tuck rule.”


You decide. As for me, I hate Seattle, the city, the team, their uniforms, their hippy-hoppy coach their cops and their coffee and especially their obnoxious fans. A pox on the Seaturds: GO Pats go!